Pre Made Sterile
Added a line. Any Comments?
I have escaped from the sterile rooms of white wall exile
Freed from the pastel white coats and the false happy faces
Released into your reality that has no concept at all
God must love those Doctors with the pre-made stamp APPROVED
For they have allowed me to come back into the society that is you.
(PS) - This is a work in (Slow) progress.
Margot - Thank you for the questions. I sent you a private.
Thank you for the suggestion Jed, I have made the adjustments. You are correct, it does sound better.
Thank you Todd.
And yes I did.
Peace forever,
Sam
Hi Sam good to see you posting again. To your poem:
I like the comments Jed gave you on removing the "the's".
You start line two and three with freed and released. I would like to see bring that device through the poem. For example (I'm going to take a few liberties here--ignore them if they don't work):
Escaped from the sterile rooms of white wall exile
Freed from pastel white coats and false happy faces
Released into your reality which has no concept at all
APPROVED with the pre-made stamp, God must love those doctors
Allowed to come back into the society that is you
Just a few comments for you. All my best Sam.
Todd
Edit: I noticed that YA editing moved doctors onto its own line--wasn't my intent to have a line break there, but I'm sure you knew that.
Gaming on a Budget Ep. 14: Portal
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